My answer to a lack of traffic

Note: This article references Blogspot a lot. Rather than edit it, I left it as is. Yes, I'm that lazy.

I'm full of shit, and the odd person (and I do mean odd) to come to my page should by all accounts be able to pick up on this, unless he or she is retarded or dyslexic or gay, or something. I wouldn't be surprised if those were the kind of people to come here. After all, most of my friends who I've sent the link to fall under one or more of these categories. Oh! Burn on my sympathetic friends. Ugh, I'm bored. What the hell was I talking about?

Ah yes. The title reminds me. I have next to no traffic. Could it be because I'm on Blogspot, a free blogging website host thing that I use so that I don't have to dig into my own pocket for the handful of change it takes to buy and maintain a domain? No way. Lot's of people use Blogspot and have plenty of success, and they aren't half the entertainer I am. Shit, I was just cruising around other blog pages a couple of days ago and saw some chick who had a page that chronicled her own exploits, exploits of a boring fat middle-aged housewife. And get this, she had tons of traffic, like twice what I have, and dammit, I make poop jokes! No justice in the world, fuck. Sure, she'd been on Blogspot for like a year, and I've only been for what, three months? That doesn't matter, it's all about the content. Speaking of which, therein lies another possible reason why I have next to no traffic.

Just kidding. Things I write are like sex, but without unplanned pregnancy. I fucking rule.

Of course, if I delve deeper into the subject of content and unstick my head from my ass, I suppose I can see why a lot of people would never bother to take a glance at RoaNV. Sure, I say somewhat funny, slightly controversial things, but that's not enough anymore. This is why other ranters are so more successful than I am, it all comes down to the controversy. All these other guys say their stances on the hottest issues in the bluntest ways, and people eat the shit up. That must be the problem.

I mean really, I have to face it. Up until this point in time, my writing has been, y'know, okay. But I've failed to stir any pots, to poke any demigods in the eye, to slam my cyber-fist into the cyber-face of some cyber-twat. Well, it's never to late to change, and so to you I present my statements on religion, abortion, and a bunch of other crap as a means to becoming interesting and worthy of a read or, god forbid, a bookmark.

I am probably for abortions just because I hate children. Not to mention, if I were against it, I would be agreeing with a bunch of whiny too-sensitive-to-not-be-gay religious fucknuts, and I'm too badass to agree with the likes of them. So... This is the part where I cross a line, right? Okay, how about this: For all I care, the mother of the unborn child can have the fetus ripped out of her stomach, stuffed like a turkey, cooked and served to the homeless. Abortion rules.

To the best of my knowledge I am an agnostic, but for the sake of people getting angry at me and sending me mail, I'm gonna just say I'm all about worshipping Satan. Jesus can go eat poop, the real hero is the Man in Red! Yeah! Actually wait, I'd be agreeing with a bunch of idiot fourteen year-old 'rebels' if I worshipped Satan. I think I'll stick with my first answer.

Country music sucks. No argument there, it's all generic and shitty and headache-inducing. Not to mention male country artists nowadays are a bunch of pussies. In the span of one hour of listening to an unnamed country music station (an hour was all I could stomach), I heard no less than four songs written by popular country music stars as a tribute to their hard-working, loving wives. It's some of the corniest bullshit I've ever heard, but all these lackwits who listen to country eat it up. Open your eyes, you stupid inbred twat, your choice in music is atrocious!

Anyone under the age of eighteen doesn't know shit about shit. Children have no business making political or religious statements because contrary to what they themselves believe, they have no idea what they're talking about.

Britney Spears' mental health isn't news and is in no way at all important. Stop putting her fucking face on magazines and newspapers, I don't want to fucking hear about it. Why the hell should I care about her or her kids or her 'emotional trauma' or the fact that she's bald, or wearing a wig, or dying her hair, or speaking with a fake accent? Quit fucking informing me every time she takes a dump! When I tune into the news I want to hear NEWS, goddammit! Weather, sports, politics, that kind of stuff, not some shit about some celebrity that I couldn't give less of a fuck if she dropped dead. Entertainment Tonight can go blow a donkey cock.

Mentioning Maddox in a rant is a great way to increase traffic. Now any time someone types his name in a search engine, my page'll come up in the search results.

Maddox

Maddox

Also Maddox

Batman porn (another common search query. Fuck if I know why.)

There, I just typed out my soul. Maybe now I'll get some views by people I don't actually know. That'd be crazy.

Okay, so it was only mentioned in one paragraph. I bet I got you reading more carefully just because of the notice at the top.

Tool.

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