| This isn't in the least bit
important to anyone aside from myself, but since when has that stopped me from
writing about anything? Never, that's when. I was in a store on the weekend
(yes, I shop at stores just like you regular dickcyclers) and saw this knife. It
kicked ass, and it was still in a box. How the hell could a knife kick ass in a
box? I don't even know, but damn, it did. So I told the asian minding the store
to open the display case and get me this knife, but I asked him to wear gloves
so that he wouldn't get bird flu all over it because he's asian. He obliged and
even gave me a discount on the condition I screw his asian hooker wife, and
still gave me the discount when I told him no because he was afraid of being
deported to Cuba or Mongolia or where ever it is that asians come from.
So I got home and immediately took to flicking it open and shut in my bathroom mirror because I looked so badass with it. It makes this awesome 'SHINK' sound every time the blade pops out, and every time that happens I pretty much spray the insides of my trousers. Yes ladies, I'm that potent. Call me. So far I haven't gotten the chance to knife any homos in the face or anything cool like that, but I'm carrying my knife everywhere I go should the opportunity present itself. I was going to just keep it in my pocket and get on with my life, but realized shortly thereafter that I wanted to share my excitedness over this newfangled weapon of mine with my legion of admirers. It's not like you guys have anything better to do than look at this knife anyway. I mean c'mon, it's a fucking knife, why wouldn't you want to look at it? Even Jews like knives, Shylock was hankering to cut that one non-Jewish bastard's flesh off in that one shitty Shakespeare play, The Merchant of Venice, but he got fucked over because Shakespeare is an asshole. Knives fucking rule, and mine is a knife to knife all knives in their knife guts.
This is my knife in my hand. Docile, dormant, awaiting prey like a steel panther or some other awesome Animal Kingdom shit like that.
Holy shit! That blade's pretty fucking sharp, you could probably slice a kitten in half without even thinking, which is coincidentally the same way many of my rants are composed.
I am the scourge of floating homosexual zombie torsos everywhere.
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