Without further ado, I give you the social hierarchy of the average chatroom.

This is the guy who only cuts into a chat conversation when someone makes a joking threat about killing someone or doing something else of an equal or higher degree of manliness. His usual unwarranted post will almost certainly be something along the lines of, 'Wow, so these are the people I'm laying my life down to protect. War is not a joke. I am a hero. Getting blown up is not hilarious. God loves me. You people are lonely losers.' If he's feeling up to it, he'll throw in a bit of sarcasm and try to bring you down by comparing your drab, mundane life to his because his enlistment obviously makes him a better person. After all, there is no such thing as sacrifice or heroism outside of the military, and there is absolutely nothing pathetic about going into chatrooms and making that statement to anyone who will listen.

This guy no real threat to your chatroom ownage, a simple couple of sentences involving big words usually discourages him into a whiny puddle of anger whereupon he'll do his best to get in the last word (probably call you a 'fag' or 'twat,' or something equally creative), and leave, never to return. If you enjoy pounding these guys, never fear. The average chatroom or forum endures at least a few of these guys on a regular basis, you can rest assured that there is indeed more where he came from.

This can be a man or woman, but is usually a man with a small penis. This is the person who looks up five-dollar words on Dictionary.com and tries to use as many as he can in a single post to look intelligent. Whether he is aware that everyone else in the chatroom knows he is full of shit varies from pseudo to pseudo. Many of them do know, and so will leave before someone can call them on their B.S. However, there are a select few who are blissfully unaware that they are full of it, and so will sit online and berate others for being losers with no lives because they've got too much time to sit online and chat. If you try to call him on any backwards logic he will inevitably use, he will respond with a long drawling post proclaiming himself to be above everyone in the chatroom or forum, that everyone is attacking him not because of his obvious shit-spewing, but because every single person must be jealous of him. His insults, while often more creative than those of the militant wiseass, are mostly based around unfounded accusations and crass assumptions regarding your character, social status, upbringing, and lack of societal contributions. This person will never listen to reason.

The important thing to remember when getting it on with a pseudo is that he will never admit he is wrong. You can smash every point in his arguments, point out every flaw in his logic and generally debate him right into the ground, and he will continue to attack you. The key is in watching for signs showing that he has, at least in the back of his own mind, given up on any chance of winning the argument. If he should resort to making claims regarding your sexual orientation or repeatedly attack with racial slurs, he has run out of bitching fuel. You have to content yourself with the fact that everyone else knows you won, as this person will never admit they have lost. Your key strategy in letting everyone see you are victorious is by pointing out that he is resorting to said slurs because he is out of said bitching fuel. He will undoubtedly present a sarcastic rebuttal accusing you of not knowing a win from a loss, and will continue on with his tirade. Make a public statement about his not knowing when to quit. This is usually followed by several other chatters commending you for owning his sorry ass. From that point on, simply ignore any further posting by the pseudo.

The hypocritical mediator is usually either a woman or a vegan, often a combination of the two. They will also admit to studying Buddhism, but in many posts will reference God as the supreme everything of everything. The sole purpose of this person is to try to disarm two opponents in a friendly fashion, saying things like, 'C'mon guys, no one here wants to see you guys rip on each other, let's all just get along.' Everyone else in the room hates this person because she actually believes in world peace as a possibility. The funny thing is that if you make an attack on this person she will almost assuredly open up a can of religious/spiritual ranting on you, all the while dropping eff-bombs left and right. She'll call herself pacifist but threaten to rip you a new cornhole if you call her on her bullshit. In many instances, the hypocritical mediator is simply a pseudo-intellectual with a fear of confrontation.

This person is even less of a threat to your chatroom supremacy than the militant wiseass because the hypocritical mediator offends so easily. A few well-placed insults will send her crying to her God only to sign back on the next day with the exact same result.

There is one in every crowd. This is the guy that just chips in with his two cents every once in a while to feel like he is contributing something of worth when in fact he is not. The only reason he is in the chatroom in the first place is that he clicked the wrong link while looking for a website devoted to sports or NASCAR. Yes, he really is that stupid. Since he's there anyway though, he decides to stay and see what everyone is so riled about, and whenever there is a pause in posting he will throw out something like, 'haha, owned!,' 'what are you talking about?, or 'i clicked the wrong link and somehow ended up here.' No one wants him there, but he is so obviously an intellectual inferior that in a sick act of pity, everybody just ignores him and waits for him to accidentally bump his elbow into his computer's power button.

The spectator is actually more of an asset than anything else. While you are composing a rebuttal to the raving of the pseudo-intellectual, the spectator often inadvertently serves as a distraction by saying something stupid and attracting the menopausal rage of the pseudo. This gives you all the time in the world to observe the pseudo's speech habits and compose the most effective counter-attack.

You have no idea who this person is, you have never before met with or talked to this person, but for some reason this person feels inclined to back you up when you take someone on. He will stand behind any insult or accusation you make by echoing it, and will occasionally throw in a couple of his own. He will also send you private messages of encouragement and admiration. This person serves as a confidence booster more than anything else, and while his support can be helpful at times, it is strongly advised you do not rely on him as you do not know him well enough to be sure he isn't a pseudo playing you for a fool by lulling you into a false sense of security and waiting to attack you at a perceived moment of weakness.

The threat assessment for the stranger buddy remains low, but be wary. He is often a person with logic much like yourself, which is what brings him to agree with you and side with you in a debate. However, should he be susceptible to chatroom gossip, he would be easy prey for a pseudo-intellectual looking to turn him against you. Should he ever go rogue and attempt to deface you in front of the chatroom community, follow the same strategy as you would with a pseudo: Just keep ripping on him till he resorts to slurs, and when he does, make sure to point it out.

This is the guy who claims to be black, claims to have his own upcoming rap album, and claims to have either lived in Detroit, been shot in a firefight, or been shot in a firefight in Detroit. He will call himself and anyone else a 'nigga,' but will call you racist if you do the same. He assumes all others in the chatroom to be white. In fact, he assumes all others on the Internet to be white, and oppressive at that. The cyber 'gangsta' will always assume any attack on him is racially motivated because he is shallow and ignorant and unaware of the fact that not only are the attacks based on the fact that he is an idiot with outlandish claims that no one gives a damn about, but that racism is a door that swings both ways and in that way, he is racist himself in that he is basing all his insults on the assumption that all white people are pro-slavery and masturbate to the memory of MLK's assassination. This is itself a stereotype which is surprise! A form of discrimination. However apparent this fact is, the cyber 'gangsta' has his head so far up his ass that any attempts to call him on his hypocrisy will cause him to jump and label you a Klanmember faster than you can type, 'WTF?' Much like the pseudo-intellectual, there is very rarely an outright win, and you will most likely have to content yourself with the knowledge that at least everyone else in the room knows you kicked textual ass.

The threat posed by this participant is the lowest of all the previously mentioned dullards. No one, not even the spectator, takes this chump seriously. He will just go off on a rant saying how if he met any of the people online in the real world he would, 'put a cap in yo ass,' or something equally generic and mundane. He will mainly amuse himself with posts involving the fact that he 'packs heat,' the number of women he's raped, the number of 'pigs he's wasted,' or something regarding his penis size being larger than that of a white man. There is no enlightenment to be gained through engaging this guy in an argument. Simply remind yourself that forcing yourself to listen to him bash real logic into tiny shards is enhancing your ability to deal with the small-minded. That's right, your tolerance level increases!

NOTE: Most of the time, the cyber 'gangsta' is nothing more than a frail white preteen in the midst of an identity crisis, yet another reason to disregard the stupid things he says as anything but penis envy.

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