I would make a fairly decent supervillain

I was watching an episode of Batman: The Animated Series the other day (because it's a better show than whatever crap you watch) when I got to thinking about how awesome it would be to be a villain with a theme and a town full of stupid cops. The bad guy in the episode I was watching was Poison Ivy (who I would totally bone, as anyone who has seen this green-skinned bitch can agree it would totally be worth the impending loin rash), and her big bad plan was to turn a bunch of city officials into plants or something equally stupid. Regardless, it gave me some ideas as to how I would go about making a hero's life a living hell.

Firstly, my theme wouldn't be something that practically spells out my demise. Mr. Freeze is an automatic failure because everyone knows ice can be melted with weapons that aren't cold, and fire and stuff. The Penguin always loses because he's fat and is thusly defeated by having a donut waved in his face. Catwoman loses because she's too busy 'accidentally' losing her balance and falling onto Batman's man-shekel and forgets to steal shit. Oh yeah, and she's a cat, so she can pretty much be neutralized with a baseball bat or a firecracker stuffed in the anus. These villains are just begging to be caught with their predictable themed crimes and powers.

That's where I'd be different. My theme would be something universal, like murder. And no, that one isn't already taken by the Joker. His theme is murdering while looking like a fucking clown. That's weak. I would just be a regular Joe with a hankering for blood and half a brain to evade capture. If I absolutely HAD to get more specific with my specialty, I would probably be the guy that removes the femur from his victim and sharpens it to make a knife or a boomerang. I wouldn't use it in battle of course, that would inevitably lead to my being labeled 'The Femur Assassin' or 'The Bone-Slinging Badass,' and my theme is supposed to just be murder.

Actually, I change my mind. The Bone-Slinging Badass has a nice ring to it. Yeah, I'm gonna get my woman to shout that in bed, it'll be epic.

So now that I've got a vague theme in mind, on to the more fun stuff: Crimes! Yeah, screw themed crimes, everyone would expect me to hit museums and steal... uhhh, femurs, I guess, and jack off onto them or something diabolical like that, maybe sell them on the black market. Where's the evil in that? Like I said before, I'd be the guy who cuts the femur out of his victim while they're still alive AND conscious, and then maybe rape the gigantic wound. Then I'd tie them up, gag them, and let them bleed out, which wouldn't take too long given the enormity of the gash, but would be extremely painful and would score me quite the reputation down at the Injustice League clubhouse.

Wait, a portmanteau just came to mind: The Femurderer. That's the best thing my brain has pumped out in at least four days. The Femurderer. Sweet.

I would wear all black, from my military-grade hiking boots to my ski-mask/night vision goggles rig on my head. I would definitely sport a trenchcoat because those just scream toughness. I would also duct tape a crazy homeless woman to my back and instruct her to scream 'Toughness!' so blind people would be like, 'That murderer must be wearing one sick trenchcoat.' Just kidding about the homeless lady though, except for the part where I rape her and cut out her femur and junk. Oh, and I'd eat her eyeball, the left one. That way I could brag about it to all my friends because none of them are cool enough to eat homeless eyeballs.

But yeah, I would be a supervillain to rival all other supervillains. The Joker would be like, 'I'll totally blow you,' and I'd be like, 'Nawww... Thanks though.' And he'd offer me that Harley Quinn bitch and I'd totally shank the shankings out of her, bend her over respectively and whatnot. I'd let Joker whack to it in a corner or something because I'd feel bad. I mean, it is his girlfriend. We'd probably be really good friends, get together for poker every other Friday or something. Or buttsex. But he can only watch.

Wow, so this has basically gone from 'I'd be a badass supervillain' to a list of the Batman villains I'd violate. Of Batman's rogues gallery, how many can be left of the chicks that I haven't mentioned? Let's see, Poison Ivy... I said I'd bang her regardless of the itch. Harley Quinn... Definitely, crazy girls are awesome for sexings. Catwoman... Yeah, as long as it isn't Halle Berry, she has a big forehead and actually eats catfood, and that's only a turn-on if she's asian, and she's too busy being black to squint all the time.

Goddammit, guess I have to return to the original topic. So after all the femur-removal and villainy and stuff related to me being evil, Batman and I would totally have a throw-down showdown honky tonky ho-down. Just a showdown, actually. All that other crap is anticlimactic. Batman would come to my lair, which is a cave on the edge of town, and be like, 'I knew this was your lair because it's the only cave in the area with a mouth in the shape of a femur!' This would of course be because I accidentally stuck myself with a theme at the beginning of the rant and now feel that odd compulsion that forces me to leave obvious clues leading to my capture. My bad.

I'd probably throw some femurrangs at him, which he would counteract with batterrangs, and then he'd end up getting really close by swinging in on the batrope. We would be going hand-to-hand combat-wise at this point, so I would pull out my femurchete and attempt to hack him to pieces. Batman's too agile for that shit though, so he'd probably bitchslap it out of my hand and attempt to batcuff me and take me to jail or sodomize me or whatever he does off-panel in the comic books after a long, sweaty fight, but I'm too nimble and fleet of foot to be batcuffed. This wouldn't matter however, as he would do a leaping flying javelin kangaroo kick to the back of my head and I'd die. The end.

Wait, that doesn't work out right.

Okay, redux. He'd do the leaping flying javelin kangaroo kick to the back of my head, but my head would magically turn into a cinderblock and he'd break his foot. Then My dick would turn into a beer bottle and I'd smash it and cut his throat. This would kill him and I would win. Soon after, Wonder Woman would show up because she's secretly Batman's sex object, and I'd totally wreck her. Not sexually, more like I'd club her over the head with my cock till she died. Can you do that with four flacid inches? If anyone reading this has a major in physics and another major in math or dickings, please do the necessary equations and let me know if I can actually do that.

And after killing both Batman and Wonder Woman, I would be hailed as the mightiest villain of all time. The Femurderer. It's not copyrighted, so go crazy. Anyone who uses this in a sentence while talking to their friends and brags about it to me gets a fabulous prize. It's not difficult, look, here's an everyday situation in which you could incorporate this tomfoolery and no one would be the wiser:

Gary: Mary, where in the Femurderer are you going?
Mary: I'm going to live with my mother for a while. You drowned our baby in a bucket of olive oil which was not good parenting.
Gary: But Mary, I love you! If you leave me I will probably kill myself.*cough*Femurderer*cough*
Mary: Why do you keep saying that word?
Gary: What, do you mean Femurderer Mary?
Mary: No, you keep saying 'Mary'
Gary: That's your name Mary. And you say I'm crazy for drowning that stupid baby. At least I know my name is Jake.
Gary: ...Femurderer.

See, it's easy. Just email me your dialogue and I'll post it if I'm bored. If I'm not bored I'll probably still post it if you promise me some buttsex in return. And you have to dye your skin green before said buttsexing occurs so that I can pretend you're Poison Ivy instead of probably being a guy.

Pages

Home