Upon reading this page, you will no doubt find yourself thinking, 'This isn't an article. This is hatemail. This belongs in the hatemail section of the website.' And at first glance I'd agree with you. This is quite obviously a few pieces of hatemail. Throw in my commentary, along with my original responses, and still it's just hatemail. Upon further inspection though, you are likely to notice something special about this collection of hatred spewing. All the hatemail on this page comes from but one person: Derek Guier.

To most, that name means less than nothing. Though I recognize the name, I'd like to make the point that this does not mean I don't think he's worth less than nothing; on the contrary, I'd like to think of him as... Well, I was going to say something creative, relating him to something like feces or a famous stupid person, but decided that if I were to have my way, I wouldn't think of him at all. Needless to say, after this article is posted, he will not be given another thought.

A little history on mine and Derek's relationship: Presumably on the 25th of June, as is dated his initial piece of mail, he came upon my rant on Reba McEntire and why she's such a tone-deaf piece of rat shit. He did not agree with my opinion because he enjoys listening to music that blows chunks. I'm okay with this. Everyone's entitled to their own opinions after all, a belief I tend to advocate through my posting of my opinions on various subjects on this very website. I even encourage feedback. Not necessarily positive, I don't mind having someone disagree with me as long as they present their arguments in a clear, concise fashion, and aren't emailing for the sole purpose of pissing me off. Unfortunately, there are people with internet connections and opinions that they cannot, for whatever reason, present accordingly without intentionally making asses of themselves, and unfortunately I occasionally am forced to deal with such people.

Enter Derek Guier.

As mentioned before, it started with the Reba feedback, an email I replied to in a similar manner as the original message: Brief and to the point, with as much derogatory name-calling as could be fitted into a single paragraph. This is how I tend to respond to most every email that is sent to me. If you are respectful, informative and friendly in your message, I'll be the exact same way in my response. If you make a jackass of yourself, I'll be the same way. The difference is that I'll make you look like the bigger jackass because hey, that's my job. I'm a fucking ranter, after all.

Here you can see the original message and my consequent reply:

From: Derek Guier (guitarhero_424@hotmail.com)

Sent: June 25, 2008 8:33:52 PM

To: vikingninja@live.ca

Subject: your article on reba

okay you know what fuck you! Reba is an amazing genius and a great singer your just jealos you cant sing like she can and your not rich like she is. Your article is offensive and you should take it down and keep your gayass thoughts to yourself fag

love Derek

ps fix all the fuckin error pages idiot

From: Ninja Viking (vikingninja@live.ca)

Sent: June 27, 2008 10:03:26 AM

To: Derek Guier (guitarhero_424@hotmail.com)

Subject: RE: your article on reba

Derek:

You're a grammar-less, narrow-minded fool. Do me a favour, go sodomize yourself with a telephone pole. After that, take your swollen asshole somewhere the rest of the world can safely forget about your putrid existence, and take a dictionary with you so you can look up words like 'freedom,' and maybe 'oppression' while you're at it.

Warm regards,

Ninja Viking

P.S. They're fixed.

Now I don't know about you readers, but it appears (or at least it appeared) to me that that should be the end of it. He was an ass, I was an ass right back, and we both got on with our bleak and meaningless existences and got the fuck over ourselves. Well apparently this wasn't enough for Derek, especially after he saw I had posted his email in my hatemail section and made him look like a total douche in the process. I had gone away for the weekend, properly celebrating the Canada Day weekend with some friends, and thus hadn't the time to check my email inbox until Tuesday afternoon (July 1, for those of you that are bad at knowing things). Upon my return home, I found these sitting in my inbox. Notice the timestamps on the emails: He replied later that same day, and when I failed to reply within 24 hours, he replied again under the assumption that he'd 'owned' me, and replied a third time, again less than 24 hours later. This is one obsessive nutjob.

From: Derek Guier (guitarhero_424@hotmail.com)

Sent: June 27, 2008 6:42:56 PM

To: vikingninja@live.ca

Subject: fuck off

hey dick i didn't ask for a reply i was just telling you why your wrong and so stupid. Since your such a loser that you have nothing better to do then reply to anything a total stranger sends you why dont you email me back and tell me why your such a faggot? Oh and nice new layout you got, remidns me of a little somebody you might have heard of his names Maddox. Ever heard of him? Fuckin ripoff.

And eighteen hours later...

From: Derek Guier (guitarhero_424@hotmail.com)

Sent: June 28, 2008 12:43:38 PM

To: vikingninja@live.ca

Subject: Pussy

Whats the matter, are you butthurt now that you got owned? Fuckin weak, i thought you maddox ripoffs were supposed to be at least half good with your hate mail replies. You cant even reply at all.

Gotta give the guy credit, this one was almost an entire twenty-four hours later.  He showed some self-control with this one.

From: Derek Guier (guitarhero_424@hotmail.com)

Sent: June 29, 2008 11:03:50 AM

To: vikingninja@live.ca

Subject: I win

So i guess its offical now, I fuckin own your piss poor writing ass. Oh and Reba still fucking rules.

asshole

Naturally when I found this lovely little ensemble of idiocy in my inbox days later, I couldn't help but give the guy a shout. After all, he'd put so much effort into trying to put me down, the least I could do was let him know what a fucking tool he was.

From: Ninja Viking (vikingninja@live.ca)

Sent: July 1, 2008 4:38:19 PM

To: guitarhero_424@hotmail.com

Subject: Oh you poor deluded fool

Derek:

Honestly, I don't think I've yet to encounter an idiot as blatantly braindead as yourself, at least not over the internet, and so I thank you for that. You've given me yet another reason to continue on with ranting. After all, how could I possibly sleep at night knowing that there are people out there making such utter asses of themselves as you, without me there to partake in the fun that is pointing out their flaws? And trust me, my friend, you have far too many to count, and that's just from what I've learned about you through our short correspondence. Lord knows the issues you have that your parents are forced to deal with in real life.

You make the grand assumption that through my not replying to your lack-logic emails that you have 'owned' me. You actually have the audicity to assume that someone with my superior grasp of grammar, punctuation, logic, reason, and the English language in general, could ever be intimidated by a mental midget such as yourself. Is the 400-pound Bengal tiger intimidated by the 4-pound neutered housecat? Even a dickless wonder such as yourself should be able to figure out who's who in my comparison. Then again, you've proven time and again to be nothing if not an inconvenient blunderer, so let me take the time to point out the obvious: I'm the fucking tiger, bitch.

Oh, and I think it's safe to say that the real ripoff here is you. Do you know how many emails I've received and read that contain identical insults and comments to yours? Too many to recall, my friend. I'd say there aren't even nearly as many Maddox ripoffs out there as there are Maddox hatemailer ripoffs, and you are a living, breathing asshole of an example of this.

And guess what else? Reba still sucks forty flavours of homosexual ass. Now fuck off, I can't hardly think straight through the sludge that is the stupidity you're shoving down my throat.

Warm regards,

Ninja Viking

As of this writing, it is July 3, over forty-eight hours since my final reply. I've yet to receive any follow-ups from dear Derek. Should I assume he's 'butthurt now that I've owned his piss-poor writing ass'? Though it's quite clear that yes, I did indeed take the bastard down a peg or five, I'm just gonna go with the logical assumption that he tripped over his own feet, cracked his skull open on the bedpost of his male lover, and ultimately died of some kind of extremely painful cancer brought about by his occasional sexual romps with horses. Either that or he just couldn't understand the bigger words in my email and just kind of gave up on any kind of semi-intelligent reply. Both scenarios are highly likely.

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