The Definitive Successful Diet

In every crag and snag of every media outlet from newspapers to television to the glorious Internet, there appears to be a pattern emerging. Nothing sinister like a world-domination plot (although there are plenty of those too, many of them devised by yours truly), but equally as dangerous in the wrong hands. I'm sure all you assholes are familiar with the diet craze that's been sweeping the continent (just our continent, everyone else on the planet needs more food because they're starving and we're ignoring them. Ignoring rules.), paired with a dramatic increase in scientifically proven-to-work machines and exercise routines that help you drastically drop the pounds in very little time, and with little to no exertion required.

It seems that no matter where you go, no matter who you talk to, every single person you come in contact with has a definitive never-fail diet and exercise plan that works for everyone, a universal technique that has the backing of a billion scientists in that all other diets and exercise routines are worth shit in comparison. If you can manage to stave off the nausea for a moment (I know I couldn't - There's puke all over my keyboard. Insert 'sticky keys' pun because I know you want to, moron), take a look at how many celebrities have diet and/or exercise books out. And I mean celebrities beyond Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Phil, and while on the topic I'd just like to inquire as to how those two have diet and exercise books. They're both fatasses! What the hell. Anyway, to the main point of the article. Funny, I know, my writing usually has no point other than to piss people off and make me look good. This time, however, I'm going to do you all a huge favour and enlighten you with (drum roll, you ignorant cocks) my own diet and exercise routine that never fails in helping you, the web-addicted lardass, to drop that unwanted poundage and get toned and muscular. Allow me to repeat: NEVER FAILS. Sound too sweet to be sincere? Well it ain't. This is the real deal, my own formula for success that I am offering to you free of charge. Prepare your eyes for a blinding light, this shit is too awesome to be earthly. Here you are:

NINJA VIKING'S GUIDE TO WEIGHT-LOSS, MUSCLE-GAIN, AND OVERALL ASSKICKERY

Integrate these steps into your everyday life and sometime in the possibly near future, you'll see results:

1) Take up jogging

2) Stop eating so many pastries

3) Quit buying into get-slim-quick generic infomercials and diet-craze books. Losing weight isn't about changing your eating habits temporarily, it's about changing your entire lifestyle permanently. Stop being a whiny bitch, get over the unfairness of there not being an easy out for lazy turds like yourself, and mentally prepare yourself for a challenge

4) Start bodybuilding

5) Drink water by the litre (or gallon, for you American dicks)

6) Buy a gun

Isn't it everything I promised and more? Shit, talk about a verbal orgasm. In all seriousness, that's all there is to it. If you're the kind of person looking to get slim but with the least amount of work involved as you possibly can, you really aren't the kind of person who deserves to look good. Think about it for a second: You are looking to undergo a massive transformation, a fucking undertaking of life-altering proportions, but only under the pretense of doing so by exerting the least possible amount of effort. Does that make sense? No, all it does is piss off people like me who actually did the fucking work to get in shape. In the tenth grade, I was a fucking fatass. You know what I did? I didn't buy a single diet book, nor did I search the back pages of Muscle and Fitness for a miracle pill to do the job for me. What I DID do was change my eating habits to include more fruits and vegetables and less pie and ice cream, took to jogging (as far a distance as I could manage without passing out) a couple times a week, and wrote up a personalized weightlifting plan in order to achieve desired results. Did it take work? Hell yes, and I stand by everything I did. Not once did I regret losing weight 'the hard way.' You want to preach to me about how I can lose x amount of weight in mere days just by popping a fucking pill, or gain x amount of muscle by swiveling my ass on an office chair ten minutes a day (I'm serious as cancer, that last exercise was in an infomercial I saw at two o'clock in the morning one time. They had a patented swiveling stool and everything. How lame.)? I say fuck off. Sure, maybe a few calories are burned, a few pounds dropped, and sure, you hardly had to do a single thing to achieve your success other than ingest foreign objects or twist your hips a few minutes a day, but you want to know where your no-sweat no-exertion plan fails miserably? You get no respect from me or anyone else with a shred of common sense. I have no respect whatsoever for the asshole who looks for the easy out on something that I braced my balls and fought so fiercely for. In my eyes and in the eyes of anyone else who condemns diet/exercise crazes to hell, you're still the fat lazy shit you were before, minus some of the fat. You sacrificed your dignity, your integrity, any respect you may have once held with your peers, all to lose some weight without breaking a sweat. Give me a fucking break. Where the hell's the satisfaction? Nearly collapsing after running a solid fifteen kilometres, plastered in sweat, and knowing that you achieved that milestone through pure determination and willpower, that's satisfying. Sitting on your ass at home downing Hydroxycut, otherwise starving yourself, and checking with expert after self-proclaimed nutrition expert websites claiming that losing weight can be done through sitting on your ass at home? Not so much. There are millions of people in the world who can run further and faster than me, but hey, at least I run.

Put down Dr. Phil's shit book, throw on your shoes and get your ass out there and work for it. It's harder on you, yeah, but remember this: The man who works for what he wants is held in a lot higher regard than the man who whines and complains till he finds the easy way to get it done.

Oh, and as for Step 6 in the guide, that one falls under the category of 'Asskickery,' in case you were wondering. You would have to be a complete braindead nimrod to have been wondering, but then again I find that much of my audience fits that description.

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