The rant that started it all

Honestly, you women and your lies. I recently came upon this list when the group invitation was sent to me via some blubbering pile of menstruation that added me on Facebook that I accepted as a friend only because she was physically attractive, at least in the picture. Now that I know she's an airhead though, I'll be sure to stay clear, lest she infect me with some kind of hormonal imbalance, which may be impossible, but then again, so is finding a man whose personality matches this list. Well, a man that isn't a big bitch to the highest degree, anyway. As a means to voicing my disgust, I will dissect this... article... Actually, I would rather think of this as vaginal discharge in text form, mostly because that's what it is.

• give her one of your t-shirts to sleep in.

Why? If she's the kind of bimbo that actually believes a man should adhere to this list, my guess is she's got a gymnasium-sized closet full of her own damn shirts. She wants your clothes? A swift uppercut to the ovaries solves that problem, she definitely won't ask again after that.

• give her one of your hoodies to wear so everyone knows she's yours.

Okay, I don't care whether everyone else 'knows she's mine,' and if I did I would demonstrate ownership the old-fashioned way, clubbing her over the head with a wooden log and dragging her body through town by her hair, all the while roaring like the manly beast that I am.

• leave her cute text/notes.

What, waste my time and my intelligence on being 'cute'? Screw that, if I've got something to tell her, you can be damn sure it's gonna be important, not some crap about stuffed animals or unicorns or, god forbid, asking her what she's got on her mind.

• tell her she looks beautiful.

Yes, that's what the bitch needs, an ego boost. I've a better idea, give her the backhand she's secretly yearning for and send her back to the damn kitchen where she belongs. Wench.

• look into her eyes when you talk to her.

Why would I do that when breasts are so much more interesting? Actually, never mind that, I'll keep playing my videogame, or better yet go back to chopping wood with a gigantic rusty axe as all real men do in their spare time, and she can go back to reading celebrity gossip or eating chocolate, or whatever it is that women do.

• let her mess with your hair.

Don't. Touch. My hair.

• touch her hair.

Yeah, lice. Great idea, asshole.

• just walk around with her.

What, squander precious time walking around talking about things I don't care for (for those of you who are slow, that translates into 'things she cares for') when I could be stabbing zombies through the head with my katana? Screw that.

• FORGIVE her for her MISTAKES.

Yes because we all know that she'll quickly forgive you for yours. By the way idiots, that is sarcasm. What I'm implying is that she will dump you sooner than you realize that you actually made a mistake, certainly sooner than you can come up with an apology, and the kicker is that she'll of course blame you for everything that went wrong. Bullshit.

• look at her like she's the only girl you see.

But she's isn't the only girl I see, there's tons of them everywhere, they probably number in the low billions worldwide. If I were to do what the list suggests, that would be dishonest, and that would probably be viewed by her as a dump-worthy mistake, and I would be blamed for crapping on 'what we had.' I instead choose to look at her as the only girl I feel like boning at the moment, which is about as close as I can get to the drippy-sappy-sentimental garbage that appears to be so desired by whoever wrote this shitfest of a list. And I'm assuming that it's a group of undereducated preteen girls with a love for anything pink.

• tickle her even when she says stop.

Does this rule apply to beatings too? If so, I'll let it pass.

• when she starts swearing at you, tell her you love her.

Actually, I'll swear right back, thank you. She feels like venting her frustrations out on me? Fine, if I have to be subjected to her whining, she gets the honour of being subjected to my elbow. Right in the jaw. Seriously, I just shit my pants in awe of how great it would feel to snap her facebones.

• let her fall asleep in your arms.

YAWN. I've got more productive things to do with my time, like count paperclips, or maybe drink turpentine.

• get her mad, then kiss her.

Well, I must say I agree with the 'get her mad' part. That's always worth a laugh, especially when she starts to cry. The crying is funny for like thirty seconds, then it starts to get annoying, and so that's generally when I crack her in the shins with an aluminum baseball bat to shut her up.

• stay on the phone with her even if shes not saying anything

Wow, that's the most incredibly stupid thing to do I've ever heard of. She's not talking? Hang the phone up, you're wasting your time. Hell, I'd classify it as a waste of time even when she IS talking, just because it's almost assuredly about her hair, her nails, her clothes, or her period. No matter what the topic, chances are that no self-respecting guy cares. Then again, no self-respecting guy would follow this list of feminist cockspew either, so you're probably okay on that.

• tease her and let her tease you back.

I don't like teasing with stripping, why the hell would I like it by itself? My idea of 'teasing' is a gunshot to the kneecap; amusing to me, hurtful to her, just the way I like it. She tries any funny business back? I spare the kneecap and aim for the jugular. Now THAT would be hysterical.

• stay up all night with her when she's sick.

And catch whatever she has? No. I'll see her when her immune system is back to 100%, no sooner, thanks.

• watch her favorite movie with her.

Only if her favourite movie is about ninjas, vikings, zombies, monsters, robots, explosions, sex, serial killers, or any combination of the aforementioned.

• let her wear your clothes.

Holy shitburgers, back to the clothes again? For chrissake, if she's as interested in wearing your man-clothes as much as this list indicates, she's way too butch to be anything but a closeted lesbian. Give her five years and she'll be wearing flannel and smoking stogies. In the meantime, shut her the hell up.

• when she's sad, hang out with her.

That would be a major downer on my part, there's nothing more depressing than trying to cheer up a depressed person. I find it to be much easier to just depress them further, preferably to the point of suicide. The bitch is sad? Make 'er sadder and sit back and watch the slitfest.

• let her know she's important.

I would, but she's not.

• kiss her in the pouring rain.

That's too stupid and pointless for comment.

• when you fall in love with her, tell her.

'Fall in love'? Never has there been such an overused, lesser impacting of a term than that. It's at the end of the spectrum of overworked clichés, and you know it's bad when a cliché is overworked because that's kind of the definition of the word. Yes, I know it's technically an oxymoron, I'm using it for the sake of exaggeration you idiots, shut up about it already. My point here is that it's stupid to tell someone that you've 'fallen in love' with them, mainly because that's a shitheap of a phrase, but also because when two people truly feel such a high degree of affection towards one another, it should be enough by itself that the male isn't required to garble it like the whipped salad-tosser that the female of the relationship apparently expects him to be. God, I hate you people.

• and when you tell her, love her like you've never loved someone before.

Again with the 'once you tell her' garbage. Why do I have to wait till I tell her I love her to give her all the love I've got? I've already established that at no point in a relationship will I say 'I've fallen in love with you,' just because I think that the phrase has been bludgeoned to death by just about every romantic comedy in existence, and unfortunately, there are quite a few of those, just ask Jennifer Aniston, that bitch. She somehow feels that subjecting an entire continent to her crapshit acting in a decade of 'Friends' isn't enough, so she goes on to slay us further with about a dozen low-budget, low-dignity movies where the the plot is always the same: She meets a guy, they 'fall in love' (phrase still sticks like mucus to the roof of my mouth), something happens to compromise the relationship, they work it out. Bang, the end. Spare me.

Anyway, what I'm trying to get across to you lamebrains is... Wait, I made my point already, and I got the opportunity to make fun of Jennifer Aniston in the process. God, I rule.

• and,when she runs up at you crying...the first thing you say is..."who's ass am i beating today?"

Aside from the fact that nowhere in this fragmented craphole of a sentence is there a justifiable spot to use an ellipsis (the 'dot-dot-dot' for the retards out there, who I naturally assume to be every single person who gives up spare time to read my writing), the idea behind it is stupid, which just makes the idiocy multiply tenfold. I'm expected to waste my mad ninja skills on some bitch or bastard that she felt the need to attract negative attention from? What am I, her bodyguard? Screw that. What I mean to say is, far be it for me to back down from a fight. I don't carry a meatcleaver on my person at all times just for show, you know. There are times when I will use it with the intent of gutting someone, which is admittedly every single time I use it, which is admittedly quite frequently. I hate people, especially babies and the elderly, and therefore take every chance I can to mow a few down as a means to depleting their numbers, which is just doing everyone a favour, plain and simple. What I'm NOT interested in doing is getting in a girlish slapfight with someone she hates for no other reason than she pissed them off by being a bimbo. If she's gonna flaunt her whorishness (which IS a word, dimwits, so shut up about it already), I hope there are other men out there with the scones to knock her back in her place, namely the kitchen. Skank. God, I hate people. And by people I mean you.

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