If you don't stand behind our troops, feel free to stand in front of them!!!!!

I don't know when the hell this dandy was first proudly proclaimed, but it brings to mind another popular phrase, at least in my mind: Give me a fucking break. Let me begin by saying I have absolutely nothing against the military; as a matter of fact, I support the military of EVERY nation. It's like rooting for every football team in the NFL, no matter what happens, no matter which team massacres which, no matter who sucks and who rules and who goes from sucking to ruling to sucking again, I end up the fan of the team that wins the Super Bowl. Of course, in militant terms, this wouldn't apply because we'd all be dead from radiation poisoning due to a nuclear fallout, but at least I can die with a smile knowing 'my team won.' My problem with this phrase is that the people that use it are all too often people defending their views on supporting the troops against those with a differing opinion. People that aren't for the military will often have a wide array of reasons, and the number one reason usually has something to do with violence, or killing, or something else to do with morality or ethics. When a hardcore nationalist proudly states the phrase (when in text form, it's usually followed by five or six exclamation points to emphasize... exclamation, I guess), they show that they're so clouded by their own views and beliefs that they are completely ignoring the validity of the other person's argument by supposedly ending an argument with a statement that confirms the army naysayer's number one reason for choosing not to support the war. The naysayer is opposed to excessive violence, or needless killing, or what have you. Not all of them get a boner from pissing off patriots, some of them do actually hold opinions with merit. When you go off and tell these people that their lack of support is akin to standing in front of a firing squad, you're not only being blatantly pigheaded and barbaric, but you're also committing a huge hypocrisy, telling people to respect to and listen to your views on the war while not taking care to even completely comprehend theirs. And to top it all off, you're freely endorsing the common misconception of the psycho-fanatic blood hungry war addict, which is completely unfair to those whose stance is the same as yours, but who exercises their freedom to shut the hell up about it and respect the opinions of others.

Talk to the hand!

Oh boy, now here's a fun one. Preteen girls across North America had a field day with this mysteriously popular conversation ender. Imagine, a not-so-cute boy is hanging around near where you are, works up the balls to start a conversation with you, a blond brat with the actual audacity to carry a mirror on your person at all times, and here you have on your hands a failsafe way of letting him down before you're subjected to finding out that he's actually an interesting, fun person to be around despite his outward appearance, and you get to look like a snooty bitch in front of all your friends in the process! Of course, this is a good thing because you and your friends are all under the impression that snooty bitchiness is a good thing. You're all a bunch of self-serving assholes like that. Never mind the fact that everyone around you is rolling their eyes because that phrase is old, cliche, and not clever to begin with, you're still cool. Thumbs up from the Ninja Viking, bitch, you're on my list of people that should've been aborted.

The customer is always right.

Ehhhhrrrr... Excuse me while I attempt to manually lower my blood pressure back to a moderately acceptable level by continuosly sticking myself in the ear with a rusty ice pick. I don't think it's working with the whole blood pressure thing, actually, but the ensueing infections and hospitalization and medication should help me forget my anger a bit at least. While I practice my deep breathing and counting to ten (which, by the way, never works), allow me to run down a few reasons as to why this phrase is singlehandedly responsible for so much of the evil in the world. The only people that use this phrase to their advantage are assholes, plain and simple. Who the hell else feels the need to shove corporate America's flawed logic in your face than someone trying to satisfy their own greed or vent their pent-up rage? It sure as hell ain't the Ghandi's of the world. No, you're going to get the sexually frustrated dickheads with short fuses flaunting their supposed superiority (superior in their own eyes, pathetic in damn near anyone elses), making a scene and acting like an unruly child in front of all other customers just because they were accidentally short-changed, or their sandwich wasn't toasted. These are people that go out of their way to find something a service industry worker might've done wrong in order to have something to complain about because complaining makes them feel like they're accomplishing something instead of the farting around they usually do. As sad as it sounds, there are actually persons out there in the world that are so starved for attention that they will find some obscure, non-important transgression committed by an employee and though it in no way affects the bitch they demand to see a manager about it straight away. Hell, even if it does in some way come into play with a transaction between said customer and employee, is it really worth sacrificing the dignity and respect of the acne-riddled kid by calling over his supervisor and bitching the kid out in front of them just so you can feel important? You're selfish, you're unloved, and if religion has taught me anything, you deserve to go to hell. Man, I hope that place exists. Wait, no I don't, chances are I'd be stuck on the flaming crucifix next to you for beastiality or something.

Peace on Earth.

Well first let's begin with making this phrase make sense by assuming there is actually a globally accepted definition of 'world peace,' or even just 'peace,' even though hey, there isn't one because it's a concept with a different meaning to each person based on his or her own life experiences and values. Nevermind that talk about individuality, it's much easier to assume everyone shares the exact same definition of the term. Okay, now that that's out of the way, let's take a moment to reflect on the fact that I was being sarcastic. The fact is that there IS no globally accepted definition of 'world peace.' Do I even need to explain? Probably, because you're stupid and fuck, I'm bored. Simplest example? The person in a third-world, war-torn country is going to have a different idea of peace (ie. not being shot at, blown up, raped, etc.) than an American middle school teacher on the verge of a midlife crisis (ie. prepubescent dirtbag students shutting the hell up and learning instead of jacking around like the shitstains of society everyone secretly knows them to be). Sure, the American teacher does have a vaguely similar idea of peace as the guy in the warring country, but it's buried further into the back of his mind. Bullets whizzing over the shoulder are not an immediate concern of the teacher (unless he lives in Detroit). If other countries are still attacking each other with armies armed with sharpened sticks and fighting til the last man, it doesn't make much difference to the American teacher because the only exposure he has is what the media provides him with. His life experiences have a direct effect over his values, and for that reason his definition of peace is more on a local scale than a global, or even national one. Am I saying everyone in America thinks like this schoolteacher? No, and that's exactly my point. Everyone thinks differently based on their experiences and values, and it is for this reason the concept of world peace can't work- there will always be someone to complain that it isn't his own definition of peace, and if people are complaining, well, it's not really all that peaceful is it? Unless of course you find the bitching of others to be soothing and comforting (much like most online ranters). Still need convincing because you're a stupid cock? Okay, what if Hitler (yes, I'm resorting to Hitler examples, bite me) was given one wish by a fucking magic genie or God or something, and he wished for world peace? It would of course be Hitler's idea of world peace, and I'm thinking there'd be POOF! A few less Jews. Is that your idea of peace, killing off a race of people? No, but it would be for him. Get it now? I would actually be surprised if you understood any of that, I just reread it and realized it's one of the shittiest explanations I've ever given anyone pertaining to anything. At least it makes sense to me, which is the important thing. No one reads this shit anyway, I should be fine.

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