Living is a burden

Man, I hate living. It's a burden. There's bills and taxes and stuff, and those are killer. I hate those. There's always having to deal with people you don't like, everywhere you go it's like they're just waiting there to ruin your day, which is a harsh thing to base your life around, you jackasses. There's zombies, those jerks, always with their trying-to-eat-your-brain gimmick. That's just tired, man. Cut it out, it's getting less cool. I still love zombies though.

What else sucks? Aww, lots of things. That's another thing; there's too much stuff to complain about. Why can't stuff, y'know, not suck? That would be better, I think.

How about old people, eh. They're pretty much everywhere, and the only niche they seem to fit in society is for getting in everyone else's way. That's pretty cruddy of them, I should think. Why can't they just go somewhere else, maybe sit in a corner and reek of mothballs without inconveniencing me? I mean c'mon, it's just common courtesy.

I do believe I'm getting on a roll here. Once you start thinking of stuff that blows, it's like a river of... stuff that blows, I guess. That's another thing to add to the list: similes. Those things don't even require very much creativity to be deemed 'effective' by a highschool english teacher. You want tough? Make a good metaphor. And by good, I mean holy-crap-this-rocks good. Of course, no one ever does metaphors anymore because people suck.

Ugh, life is like gargling baby seal vomit sometimes. You just can't win. Which reminds me, actually, of how much the lottery sucks. I never win. I've spent so much money on the lottery only for it to be hoarded by fat greedy Texan slobs. Screw them, what do they need my money for, they've already got kickass handlebar mustaches. I know if I grew one of those babies, I would be set for life. Of course, you need to be a Texan, and I'm not, which kind of sucks with regard to the mustache, but rules in all other aspects of life because aside from the awesome mustaches, Texans suck.

Marshmallows suck. They melt and get sticky and it's a mess just not worth it. Please, give me a candy cane, I'll be fine. Campfires don't automatically mean you need to smother your face with marshmallows, but everyone does it, and I don't know why because it's stupid. Messy, gross, disgusting, sticky, awkward, too in-your-face, probably much like sex with Robin Williams.

Everyone should just listen to what I have to say, except they shouldn't because listening sucks. Who wants to hear some eighteen year old hackjob disillusioned poorly disguised automaton prattle on about how much everything sucks? I know I sure wouldn't. Too boring. Plus it sucks, but then again, what doesn't? Reading, writing, arithmetic, it's all a crapshoot. You're studying up for what, college? Then what, gonna land yourself a kickass job selling real estate or fiddling with balance sheets? Please, just thinking about how much that lifestyle sucks hurts my brain with the vast suckiness of it all.

Well, it doesn't all suck, I suppose. What about that boyfriend or girlfriend you have to return to after a long day of accomplishing shit all? That's always a positive, that is until you get around to wondering who's going to die of old age first, you or the one you love. That's when it turns into a contest, a contest to see who can outlive the other, and contests suck. You could try having a kid together to forget all that, but face it, kids are horrible. Who wants a kid? All they do is eat, shit and whine. Oh yeah, and cost money, which totally sucks. It costs lots of money to have a kid, money you could otherwise spend on a sweet rocketbike, but of course you can't have a rocketbike because rocketbikes don't suck, and we can only surround ourselves with stuff that sucks, like kids. God, it all just sucks.

Cars, boats, planes, trains, zoos, bikes, museums, nausea, cripples, guns, farmers, tables, antique shops, mimes, vampires, birthday parties... When you really think about it, they're all related on a universal grand scale: They all suck! I could get eaten by a crocodile tomorrow, and people that have never met me would say, "Awww, what a way to go, eaten by a crocodile, that sure does suck." Then they go on about their bleak existences, questioning religion but ultimately succumbing to the basest of fears and just choosing one so that at least they have a shot, some slim chance of making it to an afterlife that doesn't involve them being fed their own entrails by the same guys that are probably behind the goddamn zombie brain-eating conspiracy! There's no win, no way out, it's all just destined to suck!

You want to know the worst part of it all? We all know it sucks. We do, every single one of us. And on some level, we all admit and even accept it as a part of life. We're just that used to it. The absolute worst part of it, though, is that we don't have to. We've lapsed into a collective stupor. We've given up. Life sucks, we get it, oh well can't win 'em all. We forfeit, we submit, we know we suck, who cares. If only people would realize that with the simple act of realization comes the will to fight it, fight the mediocrity, fight the average, fight against all that sucks everything everywhere! We could, humanity could, the individual could raise to the highest levels of knowledge and power with the simple act of realization! That's all! So simple, so elegant, so complex! We don't think, therefore we suck.

Of course, I could just be getting ahead of myself. I mean really, it seems a bit much to ask for anything beyond mediocrity from a people that suck so much, and trust me, no matter who you are, you suck.

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