Let's break it down in chunks, I ain't commenting on single verses, because that's slightly homoerotic and would take too long.

I need to go shopping

These shoes are all wrong

Just look in my closet

Not a thing to put on

I wonder how these jeans make me look from behind

Things that never cross a man's mind

Oh, okay, so let's start out with the stereotype that women are obsessed with clothes and shoes, and that men don't give a shit about appearance. Good start, Pickler, you asswipe. Try having talent, I hear it's a good way to make better music.

Lets turn off the tv

Now can't we just talk

Lets lay here and cuddle

Til we both drift off

If we don't make love

That'll be just fine

Things that never cross a man's mind

You know why men don't say that crap about making love? Because 'make love' and 'love-making' and all that implies sounds just plain icky. There's no other word to describe it. Sex, now there's something I could go for. Making love? Ugh. It sounds akin to farting rainbows and porking soup bowls. I don't understand the appeal. Why is it that radio censorship allows you to spout about 'making love' but not 'fucking like horny dog-fuckers'? Either way you're inserting a penis into a vagina/mouth/anus/empty eye socket. Fuck you people and your ideas of decency.

That joke is too dirty

This steak is too thick

Ain't no way in the world I'll ever finish it

That car is too fast

This beer is too cold

And watchin all this football is sure getting old

Wish I was workin this weekend

Not on the lake reelin my line

Things that never cross a man's mind

And of course, all men enjoy a weekend at the lodge, telling dirty jokes over steak and beer after a long day of fishing, and watching football even though it's the most boring piece of shit game on the planet. You're watching a bunch of mammoths jog up and down a field with a ball shaped like a lemon, which is a fucking fruit, which is what you are for sitting on your ass watching sports. Sports are fucking boring, and Kellie Pickler is a generalizing dumbass.

Her lips are too red

Her skirt is too tight

Her legs are too long

And her heels are too high

Boy, she looks like the marryin kind

Things that never cross a man's mind

If that 'marryin kind' bullshit crosses a woman's mind, she needs to be shot. How do you look like someone who would marry? That's fucking ridiculous. Last I checked, basing your judgements of people on their appearance and ignoring their personality is textbook ignorance. But hey, what do I know, I'm a stupid beer-drinking, sports-watching, insensitive man, right?

That joke is too dirty

This steak is too thick

Ain't no way in the world I'll ever finish it

That car is too fast

This beer is too cold

And watchin all this football is sure getting old

Wish I was workin this weekend

Not on the lake reelin my line

Things that never cross a man's mind

The chorus is even worse the second time around. Die soon, please.

I feel a little bloated

I think I'm fixin to starve

That movie was good except for the violent parts

Brad Pitt is sexy

Why did he change his hair

I knew him and Jenny never had a prayer

These curtains clash with the carpet

The color scheme is a crime

Things that never cross a man's mind

Things that never cross a man's mind

Damn straight no man thinks about motherfucking celebrities. Honestly, if you actually have some kind of stake vested in the lives and relationships of famous people, you need to choke yourself to death or get attacked by a bear or something, because your life needs to end really badly. And as for the colour scheme, it's fine. It's your music that's a crime. A crime against my ears. You know what song is fucking awesome? 'Dream Weaver,' by Gary Wright. Look that shit up, it's so fucking chronically mind-blowingly delicious that I literally just shit myself.

Guh. I've reduced myself to making fun of song lyrics. Fuck my life, right in the bloody hole where my integrity used to reside.

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