You tolerate the mentally retarded and are therefore a better person than me

I had the pleasure of recently engaging a retarded kid's caretaker in conversation, and it was indeed enlightening. This woman was as wise as they come, a veritable fountain of knowledge and kindness, and it was due to her extensive wisdom that I found out a few things about myself that I wouldn't have otherwise ever known had we not met. The following things I've confirmed to be true from her words and actions:

She and any other person who babysits a mental midget is obviously a better all-around person than myself or any other person who does not babysit a mental midget. If you do not tolerate the drooling, pants-shitting, and other nonsense that comes with handling the retarded, you are not nice. Donate to as many charities as you please, work at the homeless shelter as many hours as you want, volunteer your time teaching children to read down at the local library, it's all a waste of time compared to the glory that is caring for the handicapped.
Engaging the handler in conversation is really just a technique used for ignoring and secretly displaying disgust over the existence of the retarded. If you really cared about the well-being of those less fortunate than yourself, you would walk straight to the retard and attempt to engage it in a conversation regardless of the fact that said retard can't understand half the words that come out of your mouth. If you go straight to the handler without even saying 'Hello,' to the retard, you are obviously uncomfortable in its presence and everyone knows that discomfort around the retarded equates to worshiping Satan.
There is no such thing as overkill when it comes to praising a retards caregiver for being such a moral, righteous person. Keep in mind that you deserve to be berated for implying that you yourself are not moral or righteous enough to tolerate the retarded and as such you deserve to be looked down upon in a snobbish manner. It is also your duty to ignore the hypocrisy associated with the handler's previously stated accusations and actions.

After finding all this out about myself, I wanted to change myself for the better. Naturally I figured the only way to do this was to throw a retard on a leash and parade it around town like the woman I had learned my lesson from. Should you too want to become a better person, here are a list of steps you should take in order to be as awesomely spectacularly great as me and that lady with the retard:

Find a retard. Steal it and drag it with you everywhere you go.
Talk to the retard like it's a baby or a dog, making goo-goo noises and congratulating it on successfully spelling a word that does not exist.
Display your sickeningly obvious affection for the retard by dragging it to public places and drooling over it more than it drools over the usual nothing. Convince yourself that exposing it to public domains is for its own best interests rather than it really being a means of demonstrating to as large a crowd of strangers as possible what a tolerant level-headed human being you are for taking care of a retard.

Look down upon all the bigots who have the gall to fail in noticing how great a person you are for babysitting the retard. They must not have congratulated you for being awesome because the retard made them uncomfortable and they are not worthy of your approval anyway because they aren't taking care of a retard too so they aren't moral to begin with.

Should any children giggle, snicker, or even avert their eyes in the presence of your retard, unleash the wrath of every single deity ever to be conceived and/or worshiped in the history of humanity. Accuse the parents of raising a heathen child, unless the parents are not present in which case it is acceptable to threaten the child with physical abuse.

Make sure to take the retard to as many restaurants and eateries as possible, and make it order for the both of you. The look of discomfort on the cashier/waiter's face as the retard slurs, mumbles, stutters and moans is priceless. Yell at the cashier/waiter for being intolerant should they require any of the order to be repeated. Bonus points if you ask to see the manager over the matter.

Give the retard two or three litres of apple juice to drink over the course of a couple of hours, then take it to a public swimming pool. If you don't get where this is leading, you yourself are retarded.

If only everyone in the world would befriend a retard and pretend to give a shit about them... Too bad the world is full of selfish inconsiderate juvenile assholes who are too busy living their lives and donating to other equally noble causes to construct a facade of generosity like myself and leash-lady. Boy, am I glad I ran into her. She taught me a lot about myself, and a lot about life. Yes, apparently life should be centered around giving a shit about the retarded. Additionally I've learned that you should fear God, but that's a story for another day.

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