| So you didn't survive the
zombie plague. So what? It's not the end of the world (heh, bit of apocalyptical
humour, there). In all seriousness, I come to you today to help make you feel a
bit less bad about the circumstances should you one day in the not-to-distant
future find yourself infected. Everyone seems to be so concerned with surviving,
it's a shame really. Think about it, the zombie hordes have to have enough
people to be considered hordes. Statistically, you are likely to get bitten.
What the hell makes you so special that you get to live in a mall with a giant
black cop? I think the real reason the zombies end up gaining so much power in
the media is because in all scenarios, the humans watching the movies and
reading the comic books are always thinking, 'Yeah, sucks for these people.
Won't happen to me, though. I'm gonna be Shaun. I'm gonna be Ash. I'm gonna
survive, and I'm gonna kick ass.' In reality, you will die. Hell, I've accepted
my fate. Not only that, I embrace my soon to be newfound zombie livelihood. Or
deadlihood. Or whatever.
So if one day you find yourself nursing a gaping bitewound, I urge you to look back on this manual and take these words to your cold dead heart. Here I bring you, free of charge, Ninja Viking's guide to NOT surviving the zombie apocalypse! Oh, I suppose I should mention that after averaging out life expectancies post-infection, I've made the assumption that after having been bitten, you have 24 hours until you succumb. This is also making the assumption that you haven't been horribly disfigured or dismembered. For the time being, let's just assume you have a minor bite or scratch on an arm or leg. Part One: The Image It is important for you to have fun with this. Remember, you're dead! In 24 hours, you'll just be another moaning sloucher, so have a chuckle while you can. How, you ask, can one have fun at such a time of sorrow? With crass commercialism and token humour, that's how! What am I referring to? You guessed it, I'm talking about Novelty t-shirts.
I can guarantee that you'll at least tickle the funny bone of the poor sap you're chewing on if you wear this dandy. C'mon, even a guy getting his innards ravaged by a cannibalistic corpse can appreciate irony.
You know what they say, if you can't poke fun at yourself...
For all you married men out there.
Part Two: The Spirit That's right, embrace your new lifestyle. Get into it 100% and I guarantee you'll find some positive points in there somewhere. For instance, say there's somebody in your inner circle of supposed friends, or perhaps a coworker or employer that you really hate. Comfort yourself with the thought of finally having license to rip their ugly faces off. Sure, you won't be lucid to enjoy it, but it's still gonna happen, so you can at least enjoy the thought. Also, try to find comfort in the thought of being able to let go. I'd go so far as to pity the survivors just because they have to keep worrying about getting their entrails eaten while I no longer have to. That ship has sailed, and I couldn't be more thankful. Conformity isn't so bad, and living off of canned food sucks. You'll just be one of the good ol' undead gang now, and for that reason those chomping bastards will soon leave you the hell alone. They only care for the flesh of the living, so you're pretty much safe now. Survival is overrated anyway. Part Three: The Legacy How do you want people to remember you? As you're about to die in the midst of the apocalypse, an obituary or any other modern day tribute like that is out of the question, so whatever you do to make others remember is up to you. If you're a complete asshole like me, you're in luck because I have some great tips that I myself am going to use to make myself known and solidify my place in the memories of anyone who comes into contact with me post mortem. Set yourself up to be a douchebag Do something incredibly inconsiderate to the living, like duct taping knives to your wrists. Knives coated in your infected blood. Or maybe strap a hockey helmet on your head so that it's that much harder for anyone you come in contact with to take you out. Just make sure there's no mask or cage or anything on the front that would hinder your ability to bite chunks out of people. Visors are probably okay though. Write your own eulogy Make sure you tape it on your torso or some other obvious place to ensure the person who takes you down can't miss it. Fill it with religious shit and crap about your wife and children waiting for Daddy to come home with supplies so that the person who killed you feels really bad about it. In the last paragraph, condemn the killer to hell for having beaten your head in because the bible probably says something about defiling corpses. Then make a joke about the virus being airborne, just to jerk them around a bit more. And there you have it, Ninja Viking's guide to being an undead asshole. You may not survive the plague, but you'll have a hell of a good time anyway. |
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